Darkness
by Alexandra Shinai
Summary: Was it wrong to say that I wished to be Alice? To be in Jasper's lap, an arm securely wrapped around me? To be loved by the person I loved? What did it feel like? BxJ, rated T for suicide.
1. Pain

**BPOV**

I stood at the table, barely listening to any of my friends as I stared at the Cullens. Jasper had one arm around Alice, holding her tightly to his chest as she sat on his lap. Rosalie seemed to be talking to Edward, while Emmett was eating something and Edward dropped a piece of food with a look of disgust. I sighed and turned back to the table.

"La Push, baby! You in?" Eric asked me in a very eager voice.

"Am I supposed to know what that means?" I asked, picking up a piece of cucumber from my tray and nibbling on it.

"La Push beach down at the Quileute Rez tomorrow." Mike answered. Eric stood up, pretending to surf.

"And I don't just surf the Internet!" I turned around and saw Mike mimicking Eric. Tyler grabbed his arm and shoved him back down.

"You stood up once on a foam board." Jessica responded.

"But there's whale watching too. Come with us," Angela asked, the look in her eyes pleading and begging. Of course she'd want me to do something, she was like a motherly figure to me and she noticed that my eyes were red, bloodshot, and puffy. I rubbed them absentmindedly, still nibbling on my cucumber slice.

"La Push, baby. It's _La Push_." Eric did an odd gesture with his hands, and I took a bigger bite out of the piece of cucumber.

"Okay, I'll go if you stop saying that." I smiled, but it was a small smile, and a fake one. I had forgotten what it was like to be happy.

"Seriously, dude, it's creepy." Mike told Eric as I sat down, turning around to look at the Cullens again. They seemed to be doing the same thing, only Rosalie was now holding up an apple, as if she was going to hit Edward with it. Out of the corner of my eye, I swore I saw Jasper's head turn to look at me, so I looked.

He was staring at me, a confused expression on his face, but he turned his head back when I noticed.

I rubbed my eyes again, yawning. I was tired because I didn't sleep. I cried, the tears pouring out of me like a waterfall. I was lovesick for him. I wrote his name in my notebooks, everywhere I could. Under my sleeves, his name was written with hearts around it.

And I stared at Alice with envy.

Was it wrong to say that I wished to be Alice? To be in Jasper's lap, an arm securely wrapped around me? To be loved by the person I loved? What did it feel like?

I felt no love, nor happiness. I felt jealousy and sadness.

I stood up abruptly, knocking my tray to the floor. It settled noisily as everyone turned to look at me. But I rushed out of the cafeteria, bumping past other people as they glared at me. I pushed open the doors as the rain began to pelt me. I didn't care as I rushed to my truck, climbing inside.

I took a deep breath, my head spinning. Was I really going to do this, just because I couldn't have Jasper? Just thinking of his name sent fresh tears flowing down my cheeks. Slowly, I pulled the next step to death from my bag.

A gun that was Charlie's, but he left before I did, so I was able to get it. I placed it to my head, the cool feel of it against my skull calming me. Then I looked up, and saw Edward. I glared at him.

He was the one who had saved me from Tyler's van. But I didn't WANT to be saved, and if I did, I wished it had been Jasper. I was about to pull the trigger when I looked up again.

_Jasper._

I gasped and my hand slipped.

A loud bang filled the silence of my truck, and it was the last thing I heard before succumbing to the darkness.

Freedom.


	2. Jasper's POV

**(You may thank asche for Jasper's POV, and you may thank Somebody and edwardlover13 if I continue this after Jasper's POV. It's not going to have the exact same words. Bella's a human girl who doesn't have a clue what the Cullens are, but is deeply lovesick for Jasper. Jasper, meanwhile, is trying to fight his lust and bloodlust for Bella, and is unsure of who he really loves.)**

**JPOV**

Lunch. The worst time of the day for me.

You would understand if you knew how hard it is to sit in a room full of humans and not murder them shamelessly. At least shamelessly until you realize what you're doing.

Bella Swan stood at a table with Mike Newton, Jessica Stanley, Angela Weber, Tyler Crowley, and Eric Yorkie. Their emotions were the same - happiness for Bella. Some lust from Mike and Eric, though, and this gave me the urge to steal Bella from those annoying humans.

Edward looked at me, a disapproving look on his face. I knew he favored Bella, but I didn't think she favored him. At least, I hoped not. Oops.

Alice glared at me, her small figure suddenly seeming ten times bigger as she growled.

"No, Jasper. You love me. Not her." I sighed and nodded, barely listening to Rosalie as she talked to Emmett, unsure of what dress she should wear for prom.

"Emmett, should I wear the red strapless one? Or the long lavender one? Or maybe the yellow one."

I gave Emmett a look of disgust as he chewed on something. He'd have to spit that up later. Edward dropped a cookie onto his tray, looking at it with the same expression of disgust that I had given Emmett.

I sensed someone was staring at me, as their emotions were radiating confusion and.. fright? I turned to look, and I was stunned when I saw Bella was looking at me. I quickly wiped the stunned look off my face and gave her an equal expression of confusion. Alice punched me in the arm lightly, a way of saying 'look at me'. I looked down at her instead, trying to hide the fact how happy I was that Bella Swan was gazing at ME. Not Edward, not Emmett.

Plain old Jasper.

I was confused as to why she was rubbing her eyes, though she didn't look like she got a lot of sleep. She was beautiful anyways.

Alice grabbed my arm and put it around her. I sighed, not really liking the position she was in, though I didn't mind it.

Suddenly Bella stood up, and her tray fell to the floor, settling noisily and grabbing the attention of others. Edward stood and followed her.

Alice didn't seem to care, but Emmett had a slightly worried look on his face. He wanted Bella to be a little sister that he could play Xbox with when he couldn't with me.

I had a bad feeling about this, so I set Alice on the chair next to mine and followed Edward.

The rain pelted down on me once I opened the school doors, slightly clearing my head of the human scents that taunted me. I snuck to the corner of the building and peered around. Edward was standing in front of Bella's truck, radiating intense sadness. In a quick vampire speed, I darted to the spot next to Edward, and was stunned once again by the situation.

Bella with a gun to her head.

She looked up, and everything was painfully slow.

Bella, bleeding intensely..

The scent of her blood..

Bella _**dying**_..

I fell to my knees, my hands covering my face as my chest heaved.

Silently sobbing, yet the tears never fell.

My heart ached for her.

My beautiful angel, so precious, so innocent.

She held the beauty of a child, yet the beauty of a woman as well.

But I can't let her go.. I can't. I just can't.


	3. Hello?

**(Sorry for such a short chapter, but I wanted to make it since you don't know what the hell happened to Bella. Enjoy.)**

**BPOV**

I stared down at him, envying Alice once again.

His beauty had made my heart speed up, his southern accent had made my panties dampen.

I watched him sulk, and it hurt me.

His eyes were a dark black, underneath lay purple bags, as if he hadn't slept in a while.

In fact, he hadn't. I liked to watch him, liked to hide in Alice's closet, unless they were fucking.

That made my heart shatter in tiny little pieces, pieces that no one could pick up. Pieces that would stab their fingers like knives to a heart. And then they'd drop them.

I tried to speak to him, tried to gain the courage to say that I loved him. I couldn't even grasp his attention when I said his name.

Sometimes I tried to seduce him. It was fun, but he never noticed. It was if I was transparent, as if he was staring right through me to the wall instead of at me.

Was he?

But I'm not a ghost. Hell, I believed in ghosts, but I'm not one. I'm as alive as I can be. 100% healthy. Not a scratch, which is unusual considering how clumsy I was.

I liked his hair. It was gorgeous, short honey blonde locks I wish I could've ran my fingers through.

I still couldn't comprehend why he wasn't looking at me. Hello? I might be plain, but I'm not that plain.

And he's not deaf or blind, y'know.

I wanted him to pick up the pieces of my heart. For some reason, I knew they wouldn't stab him. They'd try, then they'd bounce off at the impact. And he'd repair my heart, then tenderly make love to me.

I wish.

I wish I had made love with him.

I wanted him to be the milk to my Oreo, the peanut to my butter, the chocolate chips to my cookie.

But was he really poison to my blood, knives to my heart, fire to my limbs? Lack of air to my lungs?

What was he?

Was he the good guy, or the bad guy?

Was he the sexy, mindblowing, great-fuck hottie you see on TV? No, actually, you wish you could see them on TV.

Or was he the, sexy, mindblowing, great-fuck criminal hottie with a dark past?

Was Alice the dark, bad girl to the sexy, mindblowing, great-fuck hottie that should be on TV?

Or was Alice the spot of light, the angel, to the sexy, mindblowing, great-fuck criminal hottie with a dark past?

Were the females in this family angelic, and the males dark, with a sadistic past?

Will I ever stop rambling?


End file.
